I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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