You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
