You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
