I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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