Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
