I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
