how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
