I smell stomach acid.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
