The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
