i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
