dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
