We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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