Will you blow on my dice?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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