You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
