Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
