I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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