I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
no, he came in my armpit
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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