Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
