it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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