I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
