An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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