I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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