It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
