I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
