my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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