I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just found puke in my bra..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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