I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
