watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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