I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
