the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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