Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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