I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
