I smell stomach acid.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
