Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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