Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
