Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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