just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
