Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
