Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
