My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
