I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
