I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
