Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
