At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Shame - the story of my life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
