My nipple is on Facebook.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
im holly from the hills drunk
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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