no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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