omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
