Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
