Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
