i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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