I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
