just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She even gives head with a lisp.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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