Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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