i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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