I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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